Sunday 30 January 2011

FACTORY STORY

There is a factory in Essex which makes the 'Tickle Me Elmo' toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Michelle is hired at the 'Tickle Me Elmo' factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed
up that there are 'Tickle Me Elmos' all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Michelle surrounded by mountains of 'Tickle Me Elmos'. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between
Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Michelle .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

GROUNDHOG DAY

a normal day for me starts with me waking up in bed, in the same position I went to sleep in, and either waiting for my wife to get me up or the two nurses who come every morning. They use a hoist to get me into a shower chair /commode. They shower me, shave me and dress me and transfer me to my wheelchair. Once Julie has had her shower and got dressed we go to Costa coffee for about 10:35. Then at between 11:30 and 12:00 we come home and I get on the computer and emails. Recently in Costa I have been reading "the girl with the dragon tatoo" on my kindle for pc. At about 5:00 we go to the golf club for a drink. At about 7:30 we come home and watch telly until the nurses come between 11:00 and 11:30pm. Occasionally I get a treat to break the Groundhog Day feeling. We might go to see Chelsea play, which I enjoy, or we might go to a medical appointment at Kings College Hospital or St Georges Hospital, or else we go to Kingston, shopping. Now when I was healthy and could walk and talk I hated shopping, so imagine how much fun it is when you are in a wheelchair and can't talk. funnily enough it is not so bad as it makes a change from the norm and defeats the Groundhog. Except when I get left in shop doorways and the bra department of Bentall's. Some might think that's a good thing but, believe me, sitting there for twenty minutes plus various women hovering closely looking at underwear made me feel quite uncomfortable and a bit of a perv.

Friday 28 January 2011

FINANCIAL TIMES

You've read the papers about the Irish Bailout Package. ?


It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating
down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in
debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich
German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel
and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to
inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked
upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay
his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the €100 note and runs
down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer
takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of
feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and
runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub. The publican slips the money
along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been
facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. The
hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the
hotel owner with the €100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the
€100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect
anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up
the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets
the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned
anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to
the future with a lot more optimism. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen,
is how the bailout package works.

I HATE WINTER SO HERE ARE SOME JOCULAR MUSINGS

THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's
house.
She knocked on the door then immediately
walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
work.' The daughter-in-law answered.
'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
explained.
'Love dress? But you're naked!'
'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
explained.
'Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours.'
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
and saw her lying there so provocatively.
'What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

Saturday 22 January 2011

FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND

for those who wonder Millie is she is a six week old kitten that belongs to my son, Ben and his girlfriend, Amy.
This week Julie and I attended a funeral for a 68 year old golf club friend. He was a Scot and he was a generous man in terms of hospitality to his friends, particularly outside the UK where he owned properties in Portugal and Thailand. But in England and especially at the golf club he lived up to the Scottish stereotype. He apparently died from a heart attack after taking too much of the cheap Thai equivalent of viagra. This is both tragic and ironic as he died a multimillionaire. I had to go to the funeral, not only to pay my respects to someone I liked and who was a chracter down the club, but also to see if they got the lid on his coffin.

Smelly Cat

On Wednesday we had a laugh because of Millie. She went in her litter box when Julie was outside on the phone, whilst I was inside on my own. Suddenly my nostrils were assaulted by an obnoxious effluvium.

I turned my talk volume up to 100% and screamed SMELLY CAT SMELLY CAT. Jules heard and came in laughing her head off and sorted it out. I emailed Ben and Amy that and they were still laughing when they came home that night. She really is a stinker since as I am writing this she has done another one and my eyes are almost watering. How can something so cute make such horrendous smells? Mind you, my daughter has made some stinks from time to time...

Sunday 16 January 2011

new update for 2011

Recently I have been remiss in updating my blog. This is because I was ill over the Christmas period and to be honest I couldn't be bothered. But I am encouraged to get on with it by a number of naggers. So here goes. I have been to football, to Chelsea that is. Normally my son, Ben, takes me but he was away in Poland skiing. So my wife, Julie, stepped up even though she doesn't like football. she was not impressed when it poured with rain at evening match against Bolton. I have to admit this was beyond the call of duty. As I sit in front of the front row I don't get the benefit of the stand roof overhang and so we got soaked, or rather Julie did as I was well wrapped up. Chelsea won 1-0 which was a relief as the team that started the season with such promise, going seven points clear at the top of the premiership, suddenly imploded and lost or drew with teams the like of which they were previously beating by three or more to nil. This was possibly a contributory factor in my lethargy as in my reduced mnd world football plays a more significant part. As if going to the Thursday evening match wasn't enough Julie took me again on the following Sunday to a match which Chelsea drew 3-3 with Aston Villa. Julie asked if she could bring a book to read and she says I said no but I don't recall that and I wouldn't mind really, I am just happy to see the games and Chelsea need me there. yesterday, Saturday 15th January, my son resumed accompanying me to football having returned from Poland and we had a good day watching Chelsea win 2-0 against Blackburn. Last Saturday Julie and I went out with Ben and Amy to the Star in Cheam for a curry. I enjoyed hearing about their skiing holiday exploits but not being able to eat anything with the delicious curry aroma was tortuous.