TALK ABOUT BIG HEADS

How sweet. My son, Ben and his lovely girlfriend, Amy, had their photograph displayed on the National Theatre by the Thames as part of a corporate promotion. I am not saying they are big heads, but their heads were quite large on the side of that building.

How can one man be so hunky?

(What happens when you give your daughter your password)

BLIND DATE

I went on a blind date last night. I ended up with a bruised head, grazed knees and a broken arm. The bitch stood me up.

HOW TO GET A BETTER HOTEL ROOM AT DISNEYWORLD

HOW TO GET A HOTEL ROOM UPGRADE

a few years ago we took our kids to Florida on a two centre holiday. The first centre was near the Space Centre at Cape Canaverral. Once we had done the Space Centre we found there was not much else to do and we had several days to go before we could go on to St Pete's. So we went into a local Disney store and used a central hotel reservations phone as we had decided to have a few days at Disneyworld. Now I didn't know one Disney hotel from another and we booked the All Star Sports hotel. When we arrived in Orlando and found the hotel at Disneyworld we were not impressed. There were a number of very large people with drinks in hats and long straws into their mouths. They were all Rosanne family lookalikes. We decided it wasn't for us. So I picked up the hotel reservations phone in reception and an American lady's voice said "can I help you?" I explained that we hadn't appreciated what the All Star Sports was like and asked if we could upgrade to another hotel. She said " I'm sorry sir, but all the Disney hotels are fully booked at this time "
I said, "if I am completely honest with you, will you be completely honest with me? ".
She replied, " I am always honest with everbody sir. "
I said, in that case we are going to get along fine. Be honest when I ask you, if Bill and Hilary Clinton turned up unexpectedly today, would you be able to find them a room in a hotel better than the All Star Sports hotel? "
She was quiet for a moment, then said, " well ok, I suppose we would. "
I then said, " well to the best of my knowledge, they ain't coming, so can we have that room? "
She cracked up laughing and found us a very nice room in the Dolphin hotel.

THE MAN OF THE HOUSE

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, youwill serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands... Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress Me and comb my hair?
Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, the feckin' funeral director would be my first guess.'

more Liverpool

apparently John W Henry, who now owns Liverpool FC, and also owns Boston Red Sox, is considering changing the football club's name to the Hubcap Stealers.

Disabled Toilets

It occurred to me that the funny thing about disabled toilets is they are the only ones big enough to run about in.

Liverpool -18th October 2010

I heard on the radio that at John Lennon Airport below the sign "Above
us only sky " someone has written "Below us only West Ham " !!

I heard a travel report:All trains to Liverpool have been cancelled until further notice. Something to do with a points problem.

Dance Options Allstars Competition

Last night I accompanied my wife and daughter to a dance exhibition at Dance Options in Cheam. This is where some of the couples on Strictly Come Dancing do their training. In fact Gavin Henson was there. This is something I would not have attended in my former life, but I actually really enjoyed it.

I enjoyed the expertise, athletisism and creativity of the couples dancing, who were mainly amateur national champions from around Europe. It is surprising the things you see that you might not have if it wasn't for having mnd. No consolation but an observation that could be taken as a positive?

POSITIVITY

I wrote an update about evening out at a dance exhibition in which i  made reference to the fact that before i had galoping death rot and sent it to my daughter who normally posts my updates . she came to me and complained that it wasn't very positive . i thought it was considering it was in a week that i had to give up eating and drinking . if anyone can say something positive about having motor neurone disease please let me know .

Chelsea v Arsenal? Oh, I remember something about that...

I went last weekend with my son, Ben, to watch Chelsea beat Arsenal two nil. We saw our cartoon friends Womble and Beaker there too. That was a great sports weekend with the Ryder Cup as well, and the fact that it went over to the Monday suited me as it gave me something to watch on Monday, and we would have missed the nail biting conclusion on Sunday when at football.

The World's Shortest Poem

FLEAS

Adam,
Had em.

Brighton

This weekend just gone, I went to Brighton with my wife, Julie, my daughter, Abi, and my son and his girlfriend, Ben and Amy. We went on the pier, which is great fun but if you are in a wheelchair can be a bit bumpy and a head rattler.

I enjoyed it immensely even though I couldn't participate in the dolphin derby, the rollercoaster rides or the dancing machine. I was more than happy to be a spectator on those. On Sunday we were visited, for the first time, by Amy's parents, Terry and Jo. Amy is Ben's girlfriend. Hmm, meeting the parents, is this telling me something? Actually they were very nice, as is Amy, so I am not worried.

This weekend was not a good sports one as there were no premiership football matches and no major golf tournaments. I had fun anyway:someone once said "life is not a spectator sport ". Well as a raspberry, in a wheelchair, unable to use my hands, or talk, eat or drink, it certainly is a spectator sport.

Mystery Solved

I finally got an answer to my frequently asked question :how has Stephen Hawking managed to survive into his sixties in spite of his being completely paralysed and he was first diagnosed in his twenties?

I went to Kings and saw Julia Johnston  and Dr Burnham. Between them the answer was : after he nearly died of pneumonia some years ago, Hawking realised that people don't die of MND, but of ilnesses they are vulnerable to because of MND. such as chest infections leading to pneumonia. Chest inflection is risked by a person with MND eating and drinking when the muscles which control the swallow are weakened. He therefore cut out all risks and went nil by mouth, and takes all nutrition and fluids through a tube into his stomach  [PEG]. The advice is that I do likewise, but have little tastes of things I like.

The other thing Hawking did was have a trachioctomy to enable a breathing machine to help when his chest muscles gave up, but Dr Burnham said I should be ok for a long time with a breathing aid that is non invasive at night ,and as and when required when I am resting.

Dr Burnham is in Professor Shaw and Al Chelabi's team, and when I said from my conversations with him I was confident there will be a cure within ten years she was fairly positive about that, saying they are making great strides in that direction. The way I see it, it's worth me adopting that regime of very little by mouth to try and hang in for the long term. If I can stand life without talking, eating and drinking, that is.

An Ode to Swetty

Debbie is a swetty sock

she manages the bar.

The punters all love to mock,

but they mustn't go too far.

When swetty kisses me,

she rests her tits on my arm,

it does fill me with glee,

and doesn't do me any harm.

She used to call me super G,

but now she gives me a kiss;

So does Sparksy and it occurs to me,

that they are always pissed.

The thing that baffles me the most,

is why a raspberry is still seen as so hunky;

and I don't want to seem to boast,

but the rest of you must look like monkeys.

Now into the bar come Boggin and Andy,

and swetty serves them with a snarl.

She is full of cheer sweetness and candy,

but to get to know her takes awhile.

So as my ditty draws to a close,

I must say something scottish and clean:

'lang May your lum reek' is what I chose,

to show that I'm not mean.

My Speech

The Captain of Cuddington golf club has made his charity for the year the Motor Neurone Disease Association. In addition, Bernard Cullen, who is captain of Royal Mid Surrey golf club in Richmond has also made his charity the MNDA this. Between them they have so far raised, I believe, about £45 000.

Last evening Julie and I attended a dinner at Royal Mid Surrey held for the handing over of the cheque to the mnda representatives. After the dinner I gave a speech to around 150 people using my eyegaze smartbox computer. After this several people approached me and said how much they enjoyed it. One of Bernard's friends came and said he had Parkinsons Disease and that he found the speech "inspirational. I say this not to blow my trumpet but to show how the charitable contributions have helped me and others.

My speech :

'Ladies and gentleman, last time I was here I was unable to speak, except in quiet garbled noises, quite similar to how paddy cullen sounded on charity day, not undestandable to people other than my wife, son and daughter. I used to enjoy standing up and speaking at golf club events and I have to admit I was better known for my joke telling than my golf. in fact I was once asked to do an after dinner jokes speaking engagement at an old folks home. They all had Alzheimers. I told a joke and they all laughed. So I tried it again. They cracked up again so I told it fifteen times and received a standing ovation. as I was leaving an old boy came up to me and said, I don't know how you remember them all.

To be serious for a moment, last evening at my golf club, a friend asked me if I experience any pain with this illness. I answered, no, just discomfort and extreme frustration. Can you imagine having a severe, itch you can't scratch? And not being able to tell anyone. Well now I have this computer which I operate with my eyes, I can tell you about it. I can also email and text message from it so it has gone a long way to alleviating my frustration and sense of isolation. I therefore want to thank you for your support of the motor neurone disease association charity, as without the support of people like you the possibility of things like this to make living with MND more bareable would not happen. Thank you.'

Some Memories

On narrow boat- before I fell in!

Kenya- cheap booze anyone?

That's my boy!

Trouble and strife

Me and the sprogs

Venice- Sexy Italian men? They have nothing on this.

Chilling in Lech.

Venice with my daughter

In the motor boat to Torcello that I blagged, having pretended
to be staying at the Cipriani.
You can take the man out of Clapham...

bad hat. good wife

Kenya- I think I spot...a black-headed chaffinch!?!

how can one man, be so hunKYYY?

There's Nothing Wrong With Me

There's nothing wrong with me,

I am as lazy as can be.

I can't be arsed to walk,

and I can't be bovered to talk.

I ride in this chair,

because I just don't care,

and I don't use my hands

because I am not that kind of man.

I'm into saving energy,

'cos that is very trendy.

So don't feel sorry for me,

I am just an idle b*.

Man turned Misog (entitled by the daughter)

Is it a blessing or is it a curse,

to live like this, is there anything worse?

Unable to talk, unable to eat,

fully dependent, not standing on my own two feet.

Waking each day is a double edged sword,

the gift of life should not be ignored,

I am well looked after, my wife is a saint,

but it's wrong that she suffers, her life is restrained,

I am a burden, of that there's no doubt,

she would be better off if I checked out,

my family wouldn't say that, and that's for sure,

but I know I'm a drag, so show me the door.

I realise I seem negative and somewhat down,

and I do appreciate the love that I'm shown,

but how would you be if you were like me,

I used to be so different, flying free,

we planned to travel, a world to explore,

but I can't do that any more.

That shouldn't stop Julie, this wouldn't be fair,

and my kids are in limbo, because they care.

Should I hang on, hoping for a cure?

It's not up to me, of that I am sure.

For I cannot move, so I have no choice.

My life is not my own, I have no voice.

This is how I feel, for better or otherwise.

I must sit in this chair, and contemplate my demise.